Choose Lovingly
By Les Mottosky
We believe there are moments in our lives that will define us.
Books are written on this idea. Movies are sold on it’s premise. And historical figures are remembered because of it.
As if a certain instant in time determines – not just who we'll be from that juncture forward – but who we were before it.
This can make one feel like their life has a meaning known only to the stars. We just have to wait for it to arise, then everything will ‘click’ and we’ll understand.
If that sounds impossible, that’s because it is.
To be clear: the fulcrum is real; our capacity for choice. But the lever we’ve built on it — the myth of the life-defining moment — is warped. It doesn’t move us forward; it contorts the force.
Religions, ancient traditions, philosophers — even some sciences — refer to the concept of free will. ‘A life defining moment’ as it’s sold to us, is antithetical to free will. Or, at the very least, it’s myopic about it.
The reality of our reality, is we can change course at any time. We don’t have life defining moments. We make life defining decisions. And we make hundreds of them every day. Probably thousands.
That’s because our life is this moment. It can’t be yesterday. It won’t be tomorrow.
Not only is time (probably) not real. What we mistake time for isn’t real either. It only has influence in two (imagined) mental concepts: memory or expectation. Past and future. Before and after. Without those, we’re left with this moment. Now.
That other thing we call our ‘life’ is the sum total of our decisions. Not a single one of which holds the power to define it.
At some point early in childhood, we decided to agree to the idea of time. (Something “the jury” is still out on whether it actually exists). Ironically, that moment in time — that decision (when we agreed that time is a thing) – is one of the only "life defining" moments we ever make.
But it wasn’t a moment, it was a decision.
“Mom and Dad say my bedtime is 7:30 and that’s when I go to bed every night, so this 7:30 thing must be legit.” Boom. We chose to live in time.
And from there, time takes on disproportionate meaning in our lives.
All of these mental gymnastics cover-up the obviousness that our life does not hinge on a moment outside of ourselves, it’s steered by our decisions. Every decision, in fact.
The decision to ignore an authority’s order.
The decision to hit the snooze button.
The decision to run that red light.
The decision to wear a grey suit.
The decision to get married.
The decision to drink water.
The decision to go to University.
Some of these carry more weight than others, but only in terms of our ability to respond. And that response is created by a decision. We choose our response.
Ignored authority? How do you respond?
Wore a grey suit? How do you respond?
Went to university? How do you respond?
And so on…
Now for the best part: every decision comes with a ‘get out of jail free card’: there are no bad ones. Just winners and learners.
Some choices go how we hoped. Others teach us something we needed to learn.
What's a sweeter deal than that?
A moment can't define a life, because it's an accumulation of our choices.
And maybe that isn’t even true. But it’s truer than the alternative.
The definition of our lives isn’t some distant twinkle in the stars, waiting to fall and create the quote for our tombstone. That idea is Hollywood drivel.
It might be simpler, more elegant and way more exciting than that:
If you look closely, humans only do four things with our lives; we sleep, we dream, we wake and we make choices.
Choose them lovingly.
TAGS: #Choose Lovingly #Observing Reality #Adaptation As Innovation #Wisdom In Leadership #Courage Is Our Nature
Les Mottosky
Adaptation Strategist // I help organizations turn creativity into their competitive advantage by aligning leadership, culture and strategy to unlock adaptive innovations.
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