Radical Reframe
By Les Mottosky
The apps on our devices expose us to anger, outrage and vitriol with a ferocity only previously available in our own minds. Our real-life experiences don't reflect these emotional-storms on the net. We might observe the odd customer service rip-roar or an incident of road rage, but these aren't as reliable as picking up a device.
In our experience of face-to-face confrontation, a governor arises. It's a margin that doesn't allow most of us to spit the four letter words we have locked and loaded in the chamber of our brain.
But we can do better than instinct or chance.
Confrontation is a force of nature; the psychological equivalent of fire, flood, or earthquake. It's universal, unavoidable, and – surprisingly – amoral; neither good nor bad. Conflict is part of life and it's necessary to build the skills to navigate it.
As kids, we knew how to handle it. A disturbance between toddlers is forgotten moments later. Grade school kids drop their best friend and re-embrace them faster than an ice cream can melt. Navigating conflict is an interpersonal skill we learn through experience. Unless something – or someone – interrupts those lessons.
I was raised in a house where parents stepped in to "solve" it. This came at a cost to sibling connection. As a parent I chose the hands-off approach with the principle: 'Unless there's blood flowing in the hallway, let them work it out.' And they did. The result? Sibs who now describe themselves as best friends. They learned the skills of dealing with conflict and now automatically apply those to their connection.
Conflict carries a dichotomy: avoiding it comes at a greater cost than not. It's the Universe’s way of saying “level up or be leveled.” Because those powerful feelings that make confrontation necessary, don't just fizzle away, they get turned inward on ourselves and cause illness of the spirit, mind and body.
So how do we deal with confrontation in a way that leads to progress? It's a decades old strategy that's always worth revisiting: non-violent communication. Here are four practical principles that require little explanation:
• Listening to understand, not to reload the next "Yeah, but...".
• Seeking connection, not immediate solutions.
• Exploring the conversation for small plots of common ground.
• Acknowledging and reiterating the best parts of the opposing view.
If even one party in a clash engages these ideas, it can be transformational to the experience. The respect is palpable and provides an unexpected source of kindness and generosity that can change the spirit of the discourse.
Most of us avoid confrontation because we fear it will lead to a permanent fissure in a relationship.
It likely won't happen right away, but as we build our communication skills and confidence, conflicts become adventures in personal development.
Approaching confrontation with curiosity creates an opportunity for learning, growth and next level connection ... if we approach it with principles.
TAGS: #Radical Reframe #Wisdom In Leadership #Curiosity Is Our Nature #Adaptation As Innovation #Breaking Bad Habits
Les Mottosky
Adaptation Strategist // I help organizations turn creativity into their competitive advantage by aligning leadership, culture and strategy to unlock adaptive innovations. It's not easy. But it's simple.
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