Beyond Thought
By Les Mottosky
The words that come out of our mouths are filtered through experience, growth, insight, consideration and – in cases – a persona we want the world to see. Beneath those words is a pre-filter – an emotional one – that often reflects the experiences of our childhood and can be expressed through the same instincts that helped us develop at that time.
In emotionally volatile or enthusiastic scenarios the young'un's voice pops-out first. Sometimes it's our own inner-kid. Sometimes it's the influential and sticky words of the formative adults in our childhood. These reactions are often observed in the event of a personal affront or moments of delight.
The rest of the time, we're doing exactly what was asked of us in adolescence: "To act like an adult." We're not being adults, we're behaving how we've been socialized to believe a grown-up is supposed to operate.
Underneath that veneer is the self-talk, the feelings, the thought patterns and, occasionally, the actions of a child.
This doesn't mean we aren't capable of mature, serious, focused, or sophisticated thought, word and deed. There are strong patterns that emerge with our repeated daily rituals and they guide us in mature endeavours. What feels like adulting is often just unexamined repetition of cultural norms. Stakes get higher with every increasingly adult decision we make. And, over time, we learn to handle the heat that comes with those decisions.
But this conditioning is not to suggest anybody has perfect certainty, ever. (This is different than nobody is responsible). Authority is circumstantial, not absolute. The "adult in the room" will change given the location of the room.
Despite our culture convincing us of experts, specialists and savants, everyone is improvising. We're always learning how to do life. And experience doesn't eliminate the doubt we carry. It refines it. As adults we don't stop questioning ourselves, we just keep it quieter.
We might believe our childhood is about inheriting the truths we encounter, but what most often carries the influence are the scripts that we inherit. And a five-alarm crisis will reveal this illusion.
The illusion runs deep because expertise is narrow and emotional maturity is uneven. A world-class operator can manage a billion dollar business and still struggle in the realm of relationships. Despite the competence of running a huge organization, decisions will be explained after the fact to make them sound like deliberate calculations. Happy accidents occur in corner offices too.
We believe age provides clarity, but this is simply not true. We think being an adult is the state of being right about our opinions and the life decisions they inform. The time that comes with age provides perspective, but it doesn't always – or even often – reveal answers. Much less, the right ones.
That might be because of the filters we speak through.
As children, adulthood appears to be fearless independence. The reality is – as most of us know – it's anything but. Most people are seeking some level of validation. This deep desire for approval doesn't fade away, it shifts to a different audience.
The requirement of affirmation from others – so we can feel safe in our own skin – is the character trait of a child.
We'll have grown-up moments, and we make hundreds of adult decisions every day, but when push comes to shove, we're just kids wearing bigger clothes.
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Les Mottosky
Adaptation Strategist // I help organizations turn creativity into their competitive advantage by aligning leadership, culture and strategy to unlock adaptive innovations.
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